I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize