Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sobbing to NWA
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
