remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
