You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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