Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
