His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
