I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
even my farts smell like vagina
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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