By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I checked into jail on foursquare
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
