So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
