Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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