Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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