So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
