Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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