Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
