I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
