I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
