we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
