Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants