I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
