Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
