Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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