I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
