the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
