I will die if light touches me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
