all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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