im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
