I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.