Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
