Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
