eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
