Will you blow on my dice?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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