"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im part way to drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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