i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
