So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
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Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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