stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
