I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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