When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
