I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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