you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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