I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
