Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
