May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
