Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
