sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
