OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
