After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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