Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
