Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
