So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
