he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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