Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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