Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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