I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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