I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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