Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
