Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
