I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
