someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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