She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Shame is for Republicans.
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