Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
