I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
