I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
