Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
