I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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