come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
