I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
