Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
