I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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